Saturday, September 22, 2018
English is a Crazy Language
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one loose tooth, 2 leese teeth? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo or a truck by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Lift a thumb to thumb a lift? Table a plan in order to plan a table?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can a person be "pretty ugly?"
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who *are* spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "crazy, man!" is a compliment (as when applauding a jazz performance.)
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one loose tooth, 2 leese teeth? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo or a truck by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Lift a thumb to thumb a lift? Table a plan in order to plan a table?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can a person be "pretty ugly?"
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who *are* spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "crazy, man!" is a compliment (as when applauding a jazz performance.)
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Uses of the word "Fuck"
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "fuck".
It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck);
or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of "fuck".
Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings How the fuck are you?
Fraud I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay Oh, fuck it!
Trouble Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression Fuck you.
Disgust Fuck me.
Confusion What the fuck...?
Difficulty I don't understand this fucking business.
Despair Fucked again.
Incompetence He fucks up everything.
Displeasure What the fuck is going on here?
Lost Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief Unfuckingbelieveable.
Retaliation Up your fucking ass.
Telling time I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.
It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal -- as in "Motherfucker".
It can be political -- "Fuck George Bush."
And, never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"
Or the Mayor of Hiroshima: "What the fuck was that?"
And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic:
"Where is all this fucking water coming from?"
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word.
How can anyone be offended when you say fuck?
Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.
Today.... say to someone: "Fuck You!"
It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck);
or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of "fuck".
Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings How the fuck are you?
Fraud I got fucked by the car dealer.
Dismay Oh, fuck it!
Trouble Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression Fuck you.
Disgust Fuck me.
Confusion What the fuck...?
Difficulty I don't understand this fucking business.
Despair Fucked again.
Incompetence He fucks up everything.
Displeasure What the fuck is going on here?
Lost Where the fuck are we?
Disbelief Unfuckingbelieveable.
Retaliation Up your fucking ass.
Telling time I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.
It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal -- as in "Motherfucker".
It can be political -- "Fuck George Bush."
And, never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"
Or the Mayor of Hiroshima: "What the fuck was that?"
And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic:
"Where is all this fucking water coming from?"
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word.
How can anyone be offended when you say fuck?
Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.
Today.... say to someone: "Fuck You!"
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